The King is Naked (and God is not amused)

It has been a long time since I’ve posted here. I’ve loved the freedom I’ve felt to be free with my words and express my feelings without needing to post them under a pseudonym.

I got triggered tonight though and I feel like venting. While at my house a friend let me know that a gathering was happening of my old ministry and many of my old staff and students.

This friend innocently thought they were providing me with an opportunity to go to a reunion of old souls and people that I would want to see. The gathering, though, is not a reunion but a re-launch of a ministry that I created several years ago and must go through another rebirth in order to be successful.

 I got online tonight to watch the video and read the syllabus of the new course offerings. To me it is nothing more than just promotion of a man-made ministry and full of self-indulgence and pride. I’ve heard the same damn message from these leaders for years upon years and I keep wondering why somebody besides me doesn’t notice that the king is wearing no clothes. He has no more credibility to re-launch this school as President Bush has to come back and lead this country into economic prosperity and world peace.

 This hurts.

 I am almost tempted to go to this reunion; to sit there in the crowd, even on the front row, to hear this desperate man try and save his credibility as a visionary leader. I’d love for him to look me in the eye and try not to blush in shame and admit his failures and hypocrisy.

 Fuck.

 I know there is better living beyond the past and that is exactly where this fool lives. I am not afraid of his success but God knows I have longed for his humility and his repentance. It feels that as long as he is allowed to run amok with what is supposedly his god-given vision that no one will stand up to him and hold him accountable for his actions and behavior. I hold his staff, and these leaders, no matter how ignorant they pretend to be, in contempt.

 This next revision is just as failed as ever. Its epitaph has already been written. I feel empathy towards those who have been crushed by the last grave stones and those who the next ones will fall upon.

Counting Sheep

I took to the hills for a little R&R and an early morning, mountain climb. After driving over 500 miles and picking up my permit, I figured I’d get to the trailhead and crash. All went as planned till I went to fall asleep.

It was dark enough on the mountain to sleep at 8pm, but even though I was weary my mind simply wouldn’t shut down.

I read for a while and then watched part of a Mad Men episode on my iPod. I read for a while longer, took my blood pressure (too high) and then I listened to music. I had a couple of slices of leftover pizza from dinner and then I read some more. Each of these events was separated with me punching my pillow, closing my eyes, and stretching my legs out in the back of the minivan. I was comfortable enough, but I just could turn off my brain.

I thought about my climb in the morning, obsessing over what time to get up. I kept trying to calculate the time I’d need based on the stories of the climbers I’d met in the parking lot coming down from the summit. I thought about my job and wondering when I’d get my next paycheck and whether or not it would cover the monthly bills. I started thinking about what I could cut in my budget. I had conversations with friends, some with family, some with mortal enemies.

I went to bed at 8 and didn’t fall asleep until midnight. The four hours of sleep I got weren’t enough for a potential 12 hour day on the mountain. I ended up climbing only half as far as I’d planned. I could have gone further, but would have needed a friend.

Woozy and Queasy

My doctor started me on a generic form of Prozac. He let me know that I might not feel the full effects for 4-5 weeks. I can feel some of the side effects after the first pill. I’ve been a bit nauseous all day. I’ve been told this goes away.

I’ve asked a friend, who is a counselor, to start seeing me. Again, it is a good step, and one that my doctor asked me to follow up on.

The doctor also comes from a religious background and has served on several church boards. He was aghast at how I was treated when I was let go from my church, especially perturbed that it was never brought up to the congregation. I hadn’t seen my doctor get angry before, but it was right there behind his eyes.

It felt nice to be listened to, to be understood.

His prescription wasn’t just medication, he suggested that there needs to be some healthy confrontation with the church staff on this matter. I know this to be the case and started wondering why I haven’t pursued the matter before now. I think I expected others to do this for me and have been disappointed when they didn’t. I don’t have much to lose anymore, but they still do. I can understand their hesitation, even if they know what happened was wrong.

This is the first time that I’ve felt a glimpse of hope about letting others off the hook for not protecting me. It is still hard, but it feels healthy.

Speaking of feeling understood, a friends sent me this quote from Pastor David Roper

Unfathomable sorrow lies beneath the rage and retaliation of those who are victims of our prejudice, for the source of all anger is frustration and the greatest frustration is to be dishonored and debased. Every human being is created in the image of God—more like God than any other creature—a holy icon, if you will, worthy of high honor, indeed admiration and awe. To demean that image and deface it is to wound another human being at the deepest level.

Holding my Breath

Restless – waiting for the appointment with my doctor tomorrow.

Hopeful – that the doctor will have some insight to help me deal with the pressure of my emotions.

Scared – that it won’t work for me.

Thankful – for my friends who are understanding towards me and real in return.

Healing 2.0

I guess I’m back to journaling here for a while.

Last week I was hit with some major triggers, some things that tore scabs off old wounds. Relationally I realized how disappointed I am in some people who are close to me. I’d like to move forward but am at a loss on how to do it without addressing the pain with them. Since our current dance card doesn’t allow for this discussion, we sidestep it and pretend that nothing is wrong. It’s an acting role that I’m not going to win any awards for.

I also had a major change to my job. Since being let go of my ministry position I’ve had a steady paycheck. My last one arrived yesterday. My boss is moving me to an hourly position as she can no longer afford to keep me on salary due to our diminished work load. (I should mention that how my boss shared this change with me was great care and compassion.) I’ve been surprised at how strong my reaction to the financial status has been. I’ve made a lot of decisions based on receiving that regular paycheck. I’ve let it be a source of security for me, that in its absence, is frightening. Things I wouldn’t blink about doing last weekend I wouldn’t spend a quarter on this weekend.

I am thankful to have some good friends that have given me helpful feedback as I’ve gone into more detail with them. I’ve been honest with them that I think I need some help, that my emotions are more than I seem to be able to handle at the moment. I see several destructive patterns that I need some help overcoming. One friend gave me a tool to help interpret and categorize my emotions. If it is accurate I’m suffering from depression with associated anxiety, so I’m off to get some help.

I’ve set up an appointment with my doctor, ready to be open with him, and ready to be open to treatment. My fear that has kept me from doing this before now is that any medicine I took for depression might dull my creativity and I’d lose my voice. My friends, several with experience with depression meds, suggest this may not be the case; that I actually might be more focused with my thoughts. That would be a welcome relief.

Anniversaries and Fingerprints

Today's a painful anniversary, my own personal 9-11. And even though the collapse was public many of the details were obscured from view. It may be one of the reasons that I remember this date and no one else around me seems to.

I couldn't picture life today standing amidst the rubble two years back. All I could see was disaster; all I could feel was pain. Yet some 700 plus days later much of the cleanup has occured and there are vast, empty spaces on which to build something new; someone new.

Someone knew. Papa remembers the way he wired me; remembers that details intricately woven into my being. He surprises me with kindness. When I take the time to carefully observe what appears to be happenstance in this day, I often find God's fingerprints all over it. I think He leaves them there on purpose, as indications of His love.

I'm reflective today as I look back; grateful as I look down to find scars instead of open wounds; hopefull as I look up with expectancy into tomorrow.

Holding Less Back

Tonight marks a year since we graduated the last students from our discipleship school. It’s not like I have these anniversaries penciled into my calendar for planned remorse. Some of them spring up naturally, like a graduation scheduled for Memorial Day weekend. Other memories are triggered by the break in the natural rhythms we had created in our schedule. I still find myself planning during the week to what movie we’ll show on Friday, and then when Family night comes and there are no college students filling the living room I feel sad.

Last year at this time I was pretty broken. I’d had a couple of months warning that the school was coming to an end along with my job. We tried to finish well, but it was all pretty awkward.

I couldn’t share what I felt then. I felt I had to protect, to pretend things were better than they were. It’s a hard habit to break. Tonight a close friend told me that I can still hold things close to the vest and can come across more professional than authentic. I know that it stands in the way of real relationship.

So in a night fueled by nostalgia and the Anita Baker music playing in the living room, I reread what I journaled last year after graduation. It’s sprinkled with self pity and is viewed with rejection tinted glasses, but it’s real.

How am I doing now? I’ll check in. Like I said at the beginning I still feel the phantom pains from what’s been cut off, but things are growing in their place- not ministries, maybe just me.

I’m looking less and less over my shoulder, but I also don’t find myself staring longingly in the distance either. There is enough beauty between this sunrise and this sunset, right here, today.

The Church is not...

The Church is not a hospital

The Church is not...

The Church is not a business.

The Church is not...

The Church is not an agency.

Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Pastors

Thief in the Night

Here is a clip from the end of the movie, "A Thief in the Night." A movie about the end times that came out in the 70's. The movie scared me as a child and still sends chills up my spine when I watch it. I don't believe this kind of fear-based teaching is from the heart of God. (In other words, don't let your kids watch it.)

Eldership Meeting

What does your church's elder's meetings look like?

Where is the Love?

I enjoyed reading this article on Andrew Sullivan's blog. It is a writer responding to an article on gay marriage. Whether or not you agree with his conclusions, this conversation is one with having. I'm convinced that so much of my Christianity has been based in fear instead of love. But if we believe that scripture is inspired, if we believe that it is His Word or His words, then we have to strongly weigh this verse: "There is no fear in love" (1 John 4:18). Can we hold to our belief system outside of fear? Can we related to those outside our belief system without resorting to fear? Where is the love?

Christian Fear Or Christian Love?
A reader writes [in response to a previous article]:

You write:

"Civil marriage for all; religious marriage for all who want to supplement it with God's grace. Why is that so hard for some people of faith to grasp? Why are their marriages defined not by the virtues they sustain but the people they exclude?"

(Emphasis mine.) Because -- as you well know -- their faiths themselves are defined by the people they exclude: the unbelievers, the unsaved (or let's be blunt: the "damned"), the always-demonized Other: without that division, that exclusion, their entire theology, indeed their entire worldview, collapses: a theology of inclusion is anathema to them, just as a politics, a sociology or even a science of inclusion (evolution) is anathema.

And why? Because despite their fine words, and their closely-guarded self-images, the actual and real ruling principle of their lives and their theology is fear, not love.

Everything flows from that original orientation, that original choice (because it is, finally, a choice). For them, to be inclusive is to expose themselves to what they fear; and what they fear most is summarized in their mythology of hell and eternal damnation: an eternal torture of body, mind, soul and spirit administered by an angry, vengeful, psychopathic god. It is all pure projection.

And irony of ironies, it is precisely the opposite of the message the Christian Savior tried to bring: that salvation is found only through love, through inclusion, through openness of mind and heart and spirit, through, ultimately, trust -- that this world, with all its difficulties and pain and imperfections, built through evolution, and including endless Others, is as it should be, as it was intended to be.

But that leap, from fear to trust, from fear to love, from fear to inclusion, is not an easy one, either for the individual or for a society. No evolutionary leap ever is -- and that is precisely what the leap from fear to love is: an evolutionary leap; evolution in action, evolution at the cognitive, emotional and spiritual levels. It's not easy, and it's not fast: we've been working on this for 2000 years -- and longer. Evolution takes its own time, but since this is the evolution of consciousness itself, we do have something to say about it: it's something we can consciously promote, and consciously accelerate -- and it's something we need to accelerate, and complete: the problems we face in this world, social, political and environmental, will not be solved by a people animated by fear.

We need to make the leap. Which is why gay marriage is important, beyond its importance to the individuals involved: the inclusion of the gay community -- the full inclusion -- within the human family is a necessary catalyst to this leap, just as the full inclusion of, for instance, the African-American and female communities have been necessary: A house divided against itself cannot stand; neither can it leap. This is where America can, and should, lead by example.

There is a radio program I heard yesterday that illustrates this leap from a fear-based to a love-based theology in the most personal terms, while reflecting the social and religious difficulties involved: the story of Reverend Carlton Pearson, "a renowned evangelical pastor in Tulsa, Oklahoma, who cast aside the idea of Hell, and with it everything he'd worked for over his entire life… Carlton Pearson's church, Higher Dimensions, was once one of the biggest in the city, drawing crowds of 5,000 people every Sunday. But several years ago, scandal engulfed the reverend. He didn't have an affair. He didn't embezzle lots of money. His sin was something that to a lot of people is far worse: He stopped believing in Hell... "

And he started believing in inclusion.

This program is nearly an hour long, but worth it (Chicago Public Radio's "This American Life" does a fantastic job). Listen especially to that part of the story, towards the end, when Reverend Pearson, cast out as a heretic by the fundamentalist evangelical community and shunned by all his old friends and colleagues, is invited to a gay church in San Francisco: what happens there moves him to tears as he tells it, and it is moving; it is what real Christianity ought to be.

Original article found here.

Does Abortion Cause Depression?

I am very opposed to abortion. It takes the life of an innocent child. It is horrific, and is hardly the perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy.

That being said, I often find myself at odds with the methods of those who oppose abortion. They tend to battle the issue from only a few viewpoints- moral and religious grounds, which often alienates themselves from others who don’t hold the same views. There are other aspects of the abortion issue to consider: medical, psychological, social, cultural, economical, legal, etc. Sometimes the pro-life crowd will address these other issues but only through their theological lenses. If they don’t like what they hear, they try to explain it away, burry their head in the ground, or yell louder about their morally superior stand. Instead of finding areas of common ground the pro-lifers escalate the division and move in the opposite direction. (I’m sure more could be said about what the pro-choice crowd could do to move towards agreement, but since I haven’t lived in that camp, my observations are from the tent I’ve frequented.)

There are two values that I wish took precedence in this cause- one for our hearts and one for our heads. The first is value is love. It’s my belief we will never change the nation by fighting to change the rules. When we end up seeing this issue as a battle we literally start warring against others. Aren’t they also the flesh and blood that we say we want to protect? No, the answer is love: loving the unborn babies, the mommies with unwanted pregnancies, the papas that impregnated them, even the people who have taken such a strong stand for choice. Our hearts must lead with Love.

(I do find it ironic that the way we want to solve this issue of sin is by control. Our creation story is about a God that chooses not to control but gives the people he loves freedom. He did this even when He knew it could, even would, be abused. But He still didn’t control, He gave us choice. Why? Love! After we made wrong decisions we tried to solve it by living under the law. But that system didn’t work. God knew it wouldn’t. He intended for the law to show us we couldn’t obtain righteousness by trying to live right or by controlling others decisions. We weren’t created that way. Then through Christ he provided us freedom again, and He did it through Love. And even now relationship with God still comes down to choice, not control. Do we dare think we’ve figured out a better way?)

The value that I wish was more prevalent in our heads, regarding abortion, is truth. But it seems to me that the pro-life crowd cares more about their opinions being right than honestly engaging the questions. They want to, need to be right and often come across as ignorant and unaware.

A good example is the link that pro-lifers have made between abortion and breast cancer. Many studies have been done to show that this link is not valid, but much of the pro-life crowd will not accept the findings. Although there is still debate on the issue the American Cancer Society's current stand is that there is no link between the two. Why has this continued to be a fighting point for the pro-lifers? Maybe they think if there is a chink in one area of their debate armor then they are exposed and could lose the battle. From my perspective they have a whole lot more to lose by acting ignorant. They will lose their place at the discussion table if they aren’t willing to engage truth. Truth isn’t something that we need to fear.

Why do I bring this up today? Because another argument from the pro-life crowd has been called into question. One of the long-standing arguments against abortion has been that abortion causes psychological distress, or a "post-abortion syndrome.” A study came out today that says that is not the case (it also addresses similar studies done with political motivation). What will the pro-life crowd do with this study?

I certainly know that there are women who are plagued with guilt over having an abortion. I’ve talked and ministered to several. I believe there is forgiveness for their decisions and healing for their hearts.

I also have talked with women who had guilt ladled over them by those who assume it should be there. If there wasn’t a healthy display of post-abortion syndrome the actions of well-meaning counselors helped bring it on, and in doing so caused these women much more pain.

It’s my opinion that the job of conviction is that of the Holy Spirit’s, and not ours. He doesn't need our help, and we aren't qualified to play His role. And seeing that He doesn't motivate us by fear, so maybe we should stop doing it to each other.

The part that He has asked us to do is simply this: Love.

Abortion not seen linked with depression
Thu Dec 4, 12:08 am ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – No high-quality study done to date can document that having an abortion causes psychological distress, or a "post-abortion syndrome," and efforts to show it does occur appear to be politically motivated, U.S. researchers said on Thursday.

A team at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore reviewed 21 studies involving more than 150,000 women and found the high-quality studies showed no significant differences in long-term mental health between women who choose to abort a pregnancy and others.

"The best research does not support the existence of a 'post-abortion syndrome' similar to post-traumatic stress disorder," Dr. Robert Blum, who led the study published in the journal Contraception, said in a statement.

"Based on the best available evidence, emotional harm should not be a factor in abortion policy. If the goal is to help women, program and policy decisions should not distort science to advance political agendas," added Vignetta Charles, a researcher and doctoral student at Johns Hopkins who worked on the study.

An estimated 1.29 million American women get elective abortions each year, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. An estimated 25 million women globally have legal abortions every year.

Abortion is a hot-button political issue, with many voters and members of the U.S. Congress as well as state lawmakers seeking to ban it.

"The U.S. Supreme Court, while noting that 'we find no reliable data to measure the phenomenon,' cited adverse mental health outcomes for women as part of the rationale for limiting late term abortions," Blum's team wrote.

The researchers reviewed all English-language, peer-reviewed publications between 1989 and 2008 that studied relationships between abortion and long-term mental health.

They analyzed those that included valid mental health measures and factored in pre-existing mental health status and potentially confusing factors.

"The best quality studies indicate no significant differences in long-term mental health between women in the United States who choose to terminate a pregnancy and those who do not," they wrote.

"...studies with the most flawed methodology consistently found negative mental health consequences of abortion," they added. "Scientists are still conducting research to answer politically motivated questions."

(Reporting by Maggie Fox, editing by Vicki Allen)

Does this make abortion acceptable? Not for me. But it has given me pause to be more careful of my assumptions of the affects of an abortion. Using the fear of psychological distress in debating the issue may not only be unkind (as is all fear-based argumentation) it may also be wrong.

Found this post on Revolution in Jesusland

For several years, James Dobson’s anger-driven on-air politics has been driving away the mainstream love-focused Focus on the Family audience. Apparently it’s starting to show on their bottom line. This article doesn’t say anything about donations from members falling, but I’m guessing they’ve got to be going down.

Focus on the Family announced this afternoon that 202 jobs will be cut companywide — an estimated 20 percent of its workforce. Initial reports bring the total number of remaining employees to around 950.

Focus on the Family is poised to announce major layoffs to its Colorado Springs-based ministry and media empire today. The cutbacks come just weeks after the group pumped more than half a million dollars into the successful effort to pass a gay-marriage ban in California.

Critics are holding up the layoffs, which come just two months after the organization’s last round of dismissals, as a sad commentary on the true priorities of the ministry.

I’ve met a lot of people who have relied on Focus on the Family’s parenting and marriage shows and materials who have become increasingly alienated by FOTF’s angry political agenda. Most non-religious liberals would be very surprised by some of the mainstay content the group provides. The parenting materials, for example, focus on the importance of showing children “unconditional love” and teach parents not to punish children for childish mistakes. Much of the marriage advice given to husbands—often by women—sounds downright feminist, believe it or not, for example reminding men that the Bible also teaches husbands to submit to their wives.

For years, FOTF was one long, continuous, cheery stream of socially conservative but therapeutically liberal self-help and affirmation. And then suddenly James Dobson started frothing at the mouth. More and more, he crowded out feel-good programs with hysterical anger about things like “the Homosexual Agenda!” I’m guessing a big chunk of the grassroots funding base is walking away.

Fat Preacher finds new Fisher Price Fear

A couple of questions for you:
Do we really think Jesus is afraid of the this doll?
Are our children so stupid to be led astray this way?
Is this really the best content for our Sunday morning services?

I wasn't surprised to find blame for this doll land at the feet of the president elect. I found this quote on one blog:

I didn't connect it to Obama until after reading these posts, but now it makes sense. I knew that I didn't trust him and this is just another thing to add to the list of why.

Another reader reminded us that we've seen this sort of thing before:

Remember in 1998 when parents all across the United States had hissy-fits because they really, truly believed their children's Teletubby dolls were saying "Faggot, faggot, bite my butt"?

And how about the California woman who threatened a lawsuit in 2000 after convincing herself that a Teletubby doll was telling her child "I got a gun, I got a gun, run away, run away!"

Or the woman who complained in 2006 that a Little Mermaid doll called her daughter "a slut."

Or the parent who claimed earlier this year that a Tickle Me Elmo doll made death threats against her son.

But maybe the scariest reality in this scenario are the filters in our heads not only suggesting the speech of the doll but the maniacal motivation of the Muslims.

Even if there is a way to swap out the voice chip in these Fisher Price Dolls, what can we do about the hate chip that appears to be lodged in our brains?

Is your church like Starbucks?

Environmental Oops

52% Evangelicals who in 2004 agreed that "strict rules to protect the environment are necessary even if they cost jobs or result in higher prices."

43% Evangelicals who agree in 2008.

(Source: Henry Institute at Calvin College)

The Widow's Tithe

17.6% Widows and widowers in the U.S. who say they give 10 percent or more of their income to the church.

8.6% Non-widowed Americans who say they give 10 percent or more.

(Source: Baylor Religion Survey)