Holding Less Back

Tonight marks a year since we graduated the last students from our discipleship school. It’s not like I have these anniversaries penciled into my calendar for planned remorse. Some of them spring up naturally, like a graduation scheduled for Memorial Day weekend. Other memories are triggered by the break in the natural rhythms we had created in our schedule. I still find myself planning during the week to what movie we’ll show on Friday, and then when Family night comes and there are no college students filling the living room I feel sad.

Last year at this time I was pretty broken. I’d had a couple of months warning that the school was coming to an end along with my job. We tried to finish well, but it was all pretty awkward.

I couldn’t share what I felt then. I felt I had to protect, to pretend things were better than they were. It’s a hard habit to break. Tonight a close friend told me that I can still hold things close to the vest and can come across more professional than authentic. I know that it stands in the way of real relationship.

So in a night fueled by nostalgia and the Anita Baker music playing in the living room, I reread what I journaled last year after graduation. It’s sprinkled with self pity and is viewed with rejection tinted glasses, but it’s real.

How am I doing now? I’ll check in. Like I said at the beginning I still feel the phantom pains from what’s been cut off, but things are growing in their place- not ministries, maybe just me.

I’m looking less and less over my shoulder, but I also don’t find myself staring longingly in the distance either. There is enough beauty between this sunrise and this sunset, right here, today.

The Church is not...

The Church is not a hospital