On this journey toward freedom I am recognizing some places that I have been bound. It has taken being "let go" from my role in the institutionalized church for me to feel the weight of the chains. Much of what I thought was helping me has actually held me back.
One of these areas has to do with my relationship with the leaders above me. I have held back from being real with these people. I have pretended that this was the right thing to do, that I was protecting them. I worried that they couldn't handle the feedback that I had for them. Not only did I protect them from my own feedback, but I put myself as a barrier, a buffer zone from other's feedback as well. I handled phone calls from unhappy parishioners, I had a file of letters from anyone that could be perceived having an attitude of negativity. I was a virtual virus blocker to any email that I thought was corrective to the elders. I consoled those who had been injured, pointing out what great medicine had been intended and asking them to overlook the careless bedside manners that may have hurt them. To the leaders I only let by what I thought would be helpful and uplifting. I thought I was doing them a favor, now I see what a disservice it has really been.
Now that I am free from the tinted view of the salary glasses, I am able to see things clearer. I found that I had things to share with the leadership team, things that I needed to say and should have said, but didn't. I wish I could blame them for this. I wish I could tell you they were abusive and demeaning. I wish I could tell you that they were manipulative, scheming wolves out to flock the sheep. It wouldn't be true. The only reason I didn't share openly with them was to protect me. I was afraid of disappointing them, that my approval rating would suffer, that I wouldn't be able to sit at the favored place at the ministry table any longer.
I have fought to remain in control, to be the master of my destiny; I positioned myself well.
But now on the outside of the religious box I am being faced with some of the same challenges. There are some people that are very unhappy with the circumstances regarding my removal. The temptation I face is to guide these people's responses for my benefit. Sometimes I would like to direct them to take up my case, to make sure that those in charge know just how wrong they have been. Other times I want to quiet those that are making noise, again wanting to protect the people and the institution that I've worked so hard to erect. But I'm beginning to see that both responses are still just me trying to control the situation. I am not considering what is best for those involved, I just want to be seen in a favorable light. I have been caught in the tyranny of man's approval. 
I am wondering what it would be like to live a life where I truly championed others' choices and their freedom. I am wondering what it would be like to stop thinking I knew what was best for others. I am wondering what it would be like to pick up a towel and wash some feet at the table that I used to jockey for position around. I am wondering what it would be like to put this journey in the hands of Father and let Him figure it out.
I'd like to hold His hand and just walk with Him awhile. To do that, I've got to open up my fingers from their tight grasp of control and let go.
This is what it feels like
To face the truth
This is what it feels like
To know it's through
This is what it feels like
To say goodbye
This is what it feels like
For a man to cry
- Audio Adrenaline, "Losing Control"
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3 comments:
This is my first visit to your blog but I'll be visiting again. I met you on the Lifestream journey list and have been watching as your journey unfolds. You're on a great journey! The beginning stages are rather rough as you learn to navigate freely without all of the religious overlays. It does get easier and a whole lot less stressful as you go further down the road.
Father has placed those desires in your heart and HE will bring them to pass in time. All you have to do is learn to rest in him. I want to give you a link to an allegory that a blogging friend of mine wrote regarding this. I think it might encourage you.
http://articles.graceroots.org/2005/11/two-branches-abiding.html
I look forward to hearing more about your journey both on your blog and on Lifestream.
Aida
I read your post at lifestream, thanks for sharing and inviting us over here to share.
I think we should always speak truth when we speak, but wisdom and discernment for how we say things, how much we say, when we say, and then when we should be quiet.. I'm reminded of the scripture that advises us to not throw pearls before swine. The intended meaning of course not the literal.
Or speaking the right words at the right time. And then of course Jesus' example.. I think he held back truth and kept silent at times. Hope it all turns out well for you. and then of course there were many times that he spoke truth that would appear to have been at the worst time. Protection is neccessarily a bad thing. It is sometimes okay to do. I remember when I was going through the process of leaving, one very good friend told me, "leave quietly". I think for me it was the best advice.
There's no one right way to leave... for some, sure, He'll lead them to leave quietly. For others, He'll lead differently. There are no rules, even in leaving -- only responding to Him as He leads.
We had the option of "quietly leaving" removed from us, by the choices of others. It was loud, ugly, damaging, complete with defrocking and official shunning. Our choice came in how we responded to that action. We walked it out as best we could, but there was no blueprint for this... and all we could do was to repent when we realized we'd blown it. He led us through a process of healing, which included anger, facing the damage done to us, the abuse levied at us, and to deprogram. It also included UNlearning and RElearning all things foundational. A most wrenchingly painful and exquisitely beautiful process. And, He led us into a long process of forgiving, and learning to bless those who had hurt us. A process that is on-going, even four years later. He's the only One who can lead us through these things -- all things, really. It's not a 'camping site' but a journey... He's moving on, so follow Him where He goes, both into the past for healing, and into the fullness of the present, into the Kingdom which is at hand.
You're on a good path, my friend. He is faithful, and He is able to lead, AND He's already promised that you do hear His voice...!
Shalom, Dena
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