Woozy and Queasy

My doctor started me on a generic form of Prozac. He let me know that I might not feel the full effects for 4-5 weeks. I can feel some of the side effects after the first pill. I’ve been a bit nauseous all day. I’ve been told this goes away.

I’ve asked a friend, who is a counselor, to start seeing me. Again, it is a good step, and one that my doctor asked me to follow up on.

The doctor also comes from a religious background and has served on several church boards. He was aghast at how I was treated when I was let go from my church, especially perturbed that it was never brought up to the congregation. I hadn’t seen my doctor get angry before, but it was right there behind his eyes.

It felt nice to be listened to, to be understood.

His prescription wasn’t just medication, he suggested that there needs to be some healthy confrontation with the church staff on this matter. I know this to be the case and started wondering why I haven’t pursued the matter before now. I think I expected others to do this for me and have been disappointed when they didn’t. I don’t have much to lose anymore, but they still do. I can understand their hesitation, even if they know what happened was wrong.

This is the first time that I’ve felt a glimpse of hope about letting others off the hook for not protecting me. It is still hard, but it feels healthy.

Speaking of feeling understood, a friends sent me this quote from Pastor David Roper

Unfathomable sorrow lies beneath the rage and retaliation of those who are victims of our prejudice, for the source of all anger is frustration and the greatest frustration is to be dishonored and debased. Every human being is created in the image of God—more like God than any other creature—a holy icon, if you will, worthy of high honor, indeed admiration and awe. To demean that image and deface it is to wound another human being at the deepest level.

Holding my Breath

Restless – waiting for the appointment with my doctor tomorrow.

Hopeful – that the doctor will have some insight to help me deal with the pressure of my emotions.

Scared – that it won’t work for me.

Thankful – for my friends who are understanding towards me and real in return.

Healing 2.0

I guess I’m back to journaling here for a while.

Last week I was hit with some major triggers, some things that tore scabs off old wounds. Relationally I realized how disappointed I am in some people who are close to me. I’d like to move forward but am at a loss on how to do it without addressing the pain with them. Since our current dance card doesn’t allow for this discussion, we sidestep it and pretend that nothing is wrong. It’s an acting role that I’m not going to win any awards for.

I also had a major change to my job. Since being let go of my ministry position I’ve had a steady paycheck. My last one arrived yesterday. My boss is moving me to an hourly position as she can no longer afford to keep me on salary due to our diminished work load. (I should mention that how my boss shared this change with me was great care and compassion.) I’ve been surprised at how strong my reaction to the financial status has been. I’ve made a lot of decisions based on receiving that regular paycheck. I’ve let it be a source of security for me, that in its absence, is frightening. Things I wouldn’t blink about doing last weekend I wouldn’t spend a quarter on this weekend.

I am thankful to have some good friends that have given me helpful feedback as I’ve gone into more detail with them. I’ve been honest with them that I think I need some help, that my emotions are more than I seem to be able to handle at the moment. I see several destructive patterns that I need some help overcoming. One friend gave me a tool to help interpret and categorize my emotions. If it is accurate I’m suffering from depression with associated anxiety, so I’m off to get some help.

I’ve set up an appointment with my doctor, ready to be open with him, and ready to be open to treatment. My fear that has kept me from doing this before now is that any medicine I took for depression might dull my creativity and I’d lose my voice. My friends, several with experience with depression meds, suggest this may not be the case; that I actually might be more focused with my thoughts. That would be a welcome relief.