Last week I was hit with some major triggers, some things that tore scabs off old wounds. Relationally I realized how disappointed I am in some people who are close to me. I’d like to move forward but am at a loss on how to do it without addressing the pain with them. Since our current dance card doesn’t allow for this discussion, we sidestep it and pretend that nothing is wrong. It’s an acting role that I’m not going to win any awards for.
I also had a major change to my job. Since being let go of my ministry position I’ve had a steady paycheck. My last one arrived yesterday. My boss is moving me to an hourly position as she can no longer afford to keep me on salary due to our diminished work load. (I should mention that how my boss shared this change with me was great care and compassion.) I’ve been surprised at how strong my reaction to the financial status has been. I’ve made a lot of decisions based on receiving that regular paycheck. I’ve let it be a source of security for me, that in its absence, is frightening. Things I wouldn’t blink about doing last weekend I wouldn’t spend a quarter on this weekend.
I am thankful to have some good friends that have given me helpful feedback as I’ve gone into more detail with them. I’ve been honest with them that I think I need some help, that my emotions are more than I seem to be able to handle at the moment. I see several destructive patterns that I need some help overcoming. One friend gave me a tool to help interpret and categorize my emotions. If it is accurate I’m suffering from depression with associated anxiety, so I’m off to get some help.
I’ve set up an appointment with my doctor, ready to be open with him, and ready to be open to treatment. My fear that has kept me from doing this before now is that any medicine I took for depression might dull my creativity and I’d lose my voice. My friends, several with experience with depression meds, suggest this may not be the case; that I actually might be more focused with my thoughts. That would be a welcome relief.
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3 comments:
Hey, Bro! I appreciate you sharing this here... yeah, there are a few of us that have you in their blog reader for this one still as well, and I for one am glad that I do! I think it is because I've become aware over the last year myself that there are things I'd like to share with a more select group of people with a degree of anonymity, due to having been slammed for what I've shared more openly. Once burned, twice cautious!
And so I'm glad that you felt you could post this... and I'm glad to join you in praying/walking through this process of pursuing the healing and growth that is in store for you along the way. While I was removed from my previous "ministry" role through a different set of circumstances from yours, and while my paycheck has continued, albeit somewhat diminished, I have been processing through the grief of loss and have wondered at whether I might be experiencing some mild depression at times as well... Don't know... don't think I've ever had it before, so I wouldn't know whether I am or not!
Hope you keep us posted here as to what you're learning/what Father/Jesus/Holy Spirit will be teaching you!
Bones
Forgot to check the box for the follow-up comments...
Thanks for getting it, Bones, and for being here.
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