I had hoped

Today was the first day in over 12 years that I haven't had responsibilities in the institutionalized church. There was a sense of freedom this weekend, especially from the normal pressure of preparing for the form and functions of the services I normally preside. But there was also a sense of loss and a great sense of grieving.

One of my biggest challenges is helping each member of my family walk their own way on this new path. The decisions I am making for me certainly have an impact on the others, but I don't want to dictate to them how they should feel, or even how they need to proceed. I'm trying to make healthy decisions for myself and give them the freedom and encouragement to do the same.

This weekend I just knew that I didn't want to be at THAT church. My wife was certain she wasn't to be in ANY institutional church. Two of the children wanted to go back to hang with their friends, one wanted to hang with us, and the youngest slept through the discussion and the decision making. He woke up upset because his Sunday school class was planning on spending the whole day outside in recess. I understand his thinking. He lives for having fun on the playgrounds of this world.

After dropping off the two older kids where I used to hang my hat, I went to the neighborhood church half a block from my home. I know what you must be thinking, "You spent your first Sunday of freedom in another IC?" Well, I feel a bit chagrined, but yes, I did. I've connected with the pastor of this church and consider him a friend (as much as our busy positions have allowed). This means we know each other's names, share resources on occasion and pray for each other. This last year we had a couple of opportunities to share our hearts together. Both of us were taking hits from our own team mates. At our last meeting he wasn't sure that he would be in his role much longer. It looks like I beat him to the punch.

He was surprised when I walked through the front doors. He was blessed thinking I had spent a rare Sunday off at his church. Well, they aren't so rare anymore, and I ended up being the one that was blessed.

He spoke from the text in Luke 24 about Cleophas and his friend who were walking towards Emmaus in a deep discussion. They were sad. They were concerned. They were unaware that it was Jesus walking with them. Some of their blindness must have had to do with their tears which makes everything a little blurry. Some of it was because Father didn't want them to recognize Jesus yet.

What was their discussion? The sentences probably started with the words, "I had hoped..."
"I had hoped that Jesus was really the Messiah."
"I had hoped that we would have stayed as a group for the rest of our lives."
"I had hoped that the religious leaders would have seen the error of their ways."

And I realized that those words start much of the conversations my heart is having right now:
"I had hoped that this job was the one that I was meant for"
"I had hoped to be with those people for the rest of my life."
"I had hoped the (other) religious leaders would have seen the error of their ways."
"I had hoped to have had my chance at leading from the top"
"I had hoped to have had the pulpit more."
"I had hoped that others would have seen my indispensability."
"I had hoped things wouldn't move on so easily without me."
"I had hoped... I had hoped."

But what Cleophas and company received was even better than they imagined. They had sweet communion with Jesus. They partook of his life, both in the representation of His broken body and in the presence of His resurrected one. The reality of the Kingdom was far greater than that which the disciples imagined.

I need that resurrection hope today. My aspirations are like fading memories of early morning dreams. I need them replaced with His presence. I need my heartburn of anxiety swapped for a burning heart from His Words. I need a long walk to Emmaus with Jesus. I need my eyes opened to His Kingdom, not my own.

Through Christ you have come to trust in God. And because God raised Christ from the dead and gave him great glory, your faith and hope can be placed confidently in God.
- 1 Peter 1:21