Honesty? Honestly...

If yesterday was a day for taking responsibility for the role I have played in my brokenness, today is a day I am wallowing in victimization. I hate this flip flopping. But my current reality is that yesterday's tears have dried up leaving a face chiseled in anger underneath.

I look down at my body and find spears protruding at odd angles. They didn't get here by accident; they were thrown, some from behind. Those that had the responsibility to protect me instead have used me. I feel like Uriah must have felt as the rest of the army pulled back, leaving him at the front lines at the command of King David, his Commander in Chief. Uriah was sacrificed so David could cover his own shame. Then David covered up Uriah's murder like it was just the expected collateral damage of battle. Such is the price of doing business with a king; or even as I have been informed, doing business in the church.

I was charged with the crime of having an entitlement attitude, thinking something was owed me because of my appointment in the ministry. Guilty as charged. But when I turn that same argument around I find that this king and his court felt they were entitled to my life, not just my work, simply because they gave me a paycheck. I am mad at them for taking advantage of me. I am mad that I have served under a man who felt he had the right to remind me that I "serve at the pleasure of the King" thinking that would mean him. I am thankful this has been resolved, that my service to him is no longer required, because I am nearly dead from the friendly fire.

Today I want someone to pay. I want someone to suffer for the pain I am in, for the sin that has been done to me.

And then I remember someone has.

And the tears, in a rush, return.